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Please don't be sad for what is happening in my life right now.  It has been a long time in coming and much of it is my own fault.... but I want to let people I care about know why I haven't been on DA as much.

I've been depressed.  Really depressed for over 10 years.  18 months or so ago, my wife gave me an ultimatum, with a lot of strings attached. I became even more depressed, tried many things, even Rx drugs, nothing really made a difference. But I had joined this site to start sharing pictures, then forgot about it. I came back last September and started finding other people to interact with. Haven't really shared my photos as much as I thought I would because I was too busy interacting with other people. It helped my depression.... very much so. There have been bumps along the way, people I was getting to know who just dropped off here and I miss them... some terribly, but overall, it has been good for me.

I started looking forward to seeing what other people were doing, saying. I started following other people, artists, models, photographers, & writers as well. And as this has happened, I have changed from the person I was. I'm much more open and honest. I don't hide my feelings as much, even if that means I say that I am sad or unhappy when before I would try to fake it and put on a happy facade.  But over the last 18 months, my wife and I have grown further apart, not together. A week ago, we decided to end our marriage because I can't put her through my depressiveness, and I'm not getting better and she deserves to be happy.

I'm not easy to live with, I'm not a saint, I'm just a normal depressed person who isn't going to just snap out of it (as I have been told to do many times). So my kids are not happy with me, neither is my wife, but I can't keep pretending that everything is ok, that I'm alright, that I will be who I was before, and I'm finally starting to become reconciled to that.
  • Listening to: a fan blowing
  • Reading: DA
  • Watching: the world go by
  • Playing: nothing at all
  • Eating: rice and veggies
  • Drinking: water
Some of you know a bit of where my head has been in past years, and what I have been through.  Just in the past few months things got better, then drastically worse personally.  I'm working my way back, but it has not been easy, nor pleasant.  I've seen parts of myself that I had barely perceived as I had hidden them well.

I can't go back to where I was, nor can I stay where I am.  Now that those walls are down & all is laid bare, I am examining where I am, where I should go, what I should do, while discarding outdated beliefs and trusting on truth & reason to see me through.  

I have been asked & freely given advice to people and it seems to have helped their situations.  But today, I'd like to introduce you to my friend Amelia.  She is an amazing, & caring soul I have met on my journey who has started an advice  blog on tumblr.  She has given me some great advice in the past and is a good listener as well as being open minded.  So if you need to bend an ear in confidence, post whatever it is, get it off your chest & mind in a safe place.…
  • Listening to: kids
  • Reading: DA
  • Watching: my gremlins
  • Playing: with the wrong kitty
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: Irish Tea
I don't know what the future holds for you and I...
but when I think of you, I find a world of possibilities
opened up when you said yes to me.

Last year, and for years before,
I didn't think it in any way possible that someone,
let alone as amazing as you, would come into my life. 
That my life could be better,
that there is a future with someone who is caring and giving.

And I wake up each day since and wonder at the magic you have cast on me. 
  • Listening to: my own heart
  • Reading: DA
  • Watching: gremlins
  • Playing: with the cat
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: Irish tea
No end to the billion electrons in flight
swirling round and around
in my brain this night

For Sylph,
lovely goddess who
gave someone like me
hope for better
without thought of age
or religion or letters

Never meeting in person
but upon the ether
In words or poses
she always composes
present and inviting
elegant yet beguiling

Far south lies poor sylph
that goddess airy & light
needing prayer and might
to stay with us tonight

Cared for by doctors and nurses
who tend to the curses
inflicted by night

In a dark room I sit
monitor flickering,
heart pounding
eyes watering,
waiting & wandering
for news...
     of good or of ill

For michejean - in hope & prayer she will get better & rejoin us soon…
Sorry for my poor attempt at free verse, but putting my mind to something is better than just waiting.
  • Listening to: heart pounding
  • Reading: DA
  • Watching: my monitor
  • Playing: nothing
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: water
Whatever you believe, your faith, your philosophy.  
Let kindness, peace, and sharing be your watchwords.
All the best to you and yours as you make merry, and a very happy New Year to you.

May these sentiments spread and permeate the world throughout the coming year and for all time.

  • Listening to: Inlaws' dogs
  • Reading: DA
  • Watching: Tv